Portugal..!!!

So... I go to Portugal on Sunday.. This is super exciting as I need sun like you would NEVER believe. I'm so white and pasty at the moment I feel like a hermit crab that’s never come out of its shell...

The only thing that is slightly scaring me is the whole bikini situation.. should be interesting!!! I haven’t been in a bikini (other than hoping in to the hot tub at home in the dark when know one can see you) in possibly about a year.. or last summer.. So this should be interesting. Slightly horrified by what I look like in one but at the same time im a little bit of the opinion that I will never see these lovely Portuguese men ever again and I think me and V really need a rule of "what happens in Portugal, Stays in Portugal," especially if there is a moment when locals run down the beach with pitch folks mistaking me for some rare white whale... Me and V have also decided that the best way thing to do is slightly cut out the eating part in the day and just add in a bit more alcohol.. seriously the fact people are letting us go on holiday by ourselves is interesting!.. ooo Dear something’s going to happen isn’t it.. One of us will come back married or something of a similar number.. shot gun on me.

Really hoping for a bit of a tan as well and so far I haven’t actually bought any sun cream yet so im kind of thinking.. Olive Oil!!! Least I would go another colour.. Although I have a friends birthday on the Saturday night.. So would be good to not look like some sort of weird Lobster.. (Gosh there are a lot of animals in today’s blog isn’t there)

Not a lot else happening at the moment.. decided that I need to do a bit of the old internet dating so once im home and hopefully bronzed up for the Portugal I will be hitting the internet scene and hopefully staying alive! although a friend today recommended me a site that was only for beautiful people and the people on the site get to vote if your allowed to join!! um... no thanks.. can you imagine how embarrassing that would be.. joining up and then being told.. "sorry Ugs.. you aren’t allowed to join.. your face looks like a marshmallow.." and then I would cry and then I would down a bottle of vodka and probably go and kiss any man with in reaching distance. Also he let me into the fact that only 4 out 5 get on.. although I would LOVE to join this site.. mainly because I think its were all the fittys are hanging out ... I new they were somewhere.. sneaky little rascals.

Me Again

A few more quick points regarding me.. Hopefully those of you that don't know me this will let you have a little insight.

> When I was little and asked what I wanted to be when I was a grown-up I told my mother I wanted to be a Slave.. my brother and sister did not miss this as a opportunity

> I still sleep with a night light

> I used to want to own a Lime Green old school mini with pictures of Mickey and Minnie Mouse all over it.

> Im still a massive fan of Disney

> I own all 3 Little Mermaid films.. Yes there are 3

> I cry at everything - When at school people had to confiscate the newspaper from me to stop me crying

> I apparently have no idea how many boyfriends ive had as keep remembering ones I’ve forgotten

> I once had pneumonia as a child and my Dr thought I had a peanut stuck in my windpipe!!

> I get home sick even when im with friends

> My Dads nickname for me is Misses Murbles

> I love tea

> My eyelashes are 100% fake and get them re-done every 4 weeks

> I can't sat No

> I love the lonely hearts advert in the express and echo

>  I love curry

> I wish I could wear heels but normally only last an hour in them before I want to amputate my feet.

> I hate swimming out of my depth

> I have the weirdest thumbs EVER

> My whole body is covered in freckles including the palm of my hand..

> I thought a tiger was the female version of a Lion... apparently there not!!

> In my GCSE moch paper for English we had to right about a Fat boy slim concert and what effect it would have on Pier Pressure with the amount of people attending.. and I wrote about actual peer pressure and how people might not want to go to a fat boy slim concert... it wasn’t graded.

Just a few more bits that make me me... some are a little unusual.. but then im pretty odd..

Lots going on this week as I have finally moved out of home and im venturing to Cornwall again this weekend... Im sure there will be lots to write about as there will be Alcohol, Ill be near my sisters boyfriend G who i always embarrass myself in front of and the possibly of some boating disasters... Will let you know!

The Grown-Up

Today I become a grown-up.. well slightly more grown up than I am at the moment.. I already own a lipstick so I feel pretty grown up already just because of this one accessory in my make-up case even though I have only worn it about three times in my life. Still its there.. It’s a statement.

Today I move out of my parents house and in to one 9 doors away!! I know a particularly big move. However if you lived where I live its quite a big move.. We are only a pretty small town.. Most things are only 9 doors away.. One the plus side I still get to use the rents garden and parking, also when I have no food or squash I know where I can run to instead of Tesco. Not that I will be doing this!!! It means im not too far away from my favourite man... Rocket the Tortoise.. He may not be very cuddly but least he loves me in his own hard nut shell way..

So I kind of left packing till.. well I still haven’t really started bearing in mind im moving today.. Brilliant. Super organised as per usual there. Last night I tried and failed miserably. When I say tried I mean I emptied everything... my wardrobe, my baskets, my cubbyholes, boxes, everything onto my bedroom floor/bed... and its still there! Im really not a packer.. im more of a .. get someone else to pack kind of girl. Even though right now I don’t think you get in my room let alone pack it. Which also brings us to the moment of what do I actually need to take. I am after all only 9 doors away.. But then I look at things are think.. " well that might come in handy... you never know when I might need to put on my black sequinned leggings on at a moments notice," or.. “Yes all my birthday cards ive kept over the last 6 years that I haven’t looked at once .. I might need them as well”.. I believe im what you call "A Hoarder".. One day when im a old cat lady you wont be able to move in my hovel as for the cats and the daily newspapers I will have collected over the past 17 years..

I am making another big step today... Im leaving the monkey... Those of you that don't know about the monkey I suggest you go back and read the blog named The Monkey...  I have decided after much deliberation I don’t need to take the stuffed monkey that I have slept with every night for the past 4 years... New house, New Me, and grown ups who wear lipstick don't sleep with stuffed animals that there ex gave them... I no this might sound horribly ridiculous to a lot of you.. but for me this is a pretty big emotional step for me... its the last thing that kind of connects me to C and our times together. Ive managed to get rid of most the other stuff.. the photos, my jewellery, ect ect.. obviously I didn’t give the jewellery back.. he brought me diamonds.. but they are safely tucked away in a jewellery box in case the time ever comes that I need to go to the opera or a similar  occasion.

Anyway just thought I would fill the world in that yes.. Tilly Knowles.. today will become a fully qualified grown up… This scares me… A LOT..

Coventry

 This weekend I have been living it up large in Coventry.. possibly the furthest place i have driven on my own before so it was exciting to go past Bristol... and keep on going.. Thankfully I stole my brothers Tom Tom else god knows where I could have ended up bearing in mind when trying to get from Nailsea in Bristol to the M5.. all of about a 5 minute drive I ended up going to Wales and traveling the wrong way up the motorway... (not on the wrong side of the motorway just heading North not South) I was not a happy bunny after this .. infact if I remember rightly i screamed at my dad down the phone like it was his fault for putting the motorway the wrong way around.

Anyway i arrived there safely after almost consuming a whole packet of kettle chips to myself in the car... brilliant work for the bikini look.. Once i reached my friends A's house (i was in Cov for her medical ball that she was organizing) I was put straight to work tying up packets of sweets with string and drinking wine out of a tumbler.. I was back to student Ville and I weirdly loved it.

Saturday was all about setting up for the ball... Me and A went to some brilliant music shop to pick up the dj equipment in her 3 door Cleo... this was going to be interesting as the speakers were bigger than the Cleo.. However the nice man packed it as best his could which mean A couldn’t click her seat in to place and i was sat with my legs almost on the dash board... and it was pouring with rain so after a lot of laughing and hysterics we managed to get back to the hotel . Quick note on the man we hired the stuff off was the closest thing to the man of my dreams this weekend in the most weird way... he must have been about 40, blond, wore jeans that were ripped at the knee, waistcoat, white shirt, and pointy snakeskin cowboy boots... somehow he pulled it off.. most surreal experience of my life that in my head I was thinking.. if he came on to me.. I wouldn’t say no...! I think ive been single for too long...

The ball was brilliant and went off with out a hitch and A and her team were brilliant.. after a lot of ridiculous dancing, photos which made us look slightly hideous and me like a hobbit next to A, and tit tape we managed to all rumble on in to a taxi to take us to a night club around 12.30am.. this is a nightclub that will beat all other nightclubs... rococo’s eat your heart out... Shades .. just no point in even pretending your mirrored walls will beat it.. Anyway a lot of dancing later and watching A down 2 double vodkas and cokes we managed to find a taxi and rumbled on home where me and A promptly fell asleep...

I can't even describe how i feel today... its like a lorry might have hit me full on in the body... unreal!!! anyway after retuning to the hotel to pick up some bits, hand back the dj equipment to the new man of my dreams who’s children had bought him a facial and back massage as a fathers day gift (could he be any hotter) we trundled on home.. i got in my car and slightly illegally drove home. However i have made it without crashing and dying so this is a big positive and am now surround by my possessions as i try and work out what to take and what to leave as tomorrow i become a fully fledged Grown Up...

The Girls

Now I’ve written a blog regarding The Boys and who are mainly all my ex's... it was a long read I know and also I remembered one I had forgotten the other day as well!! ops.. o well im sure he's fine with it/forgotten who I am anyway so I think that’s fine. This blog is going to be about some of my oldest and favourite Girls..

A - A is my oldest friend.. I have known her since yr 5 when we both went to Manor House Primary School.. I can’t remember but I think I was put in charge of looking after her when she joined. One the first day I remember thinking.. Great the new girl.. And im pretty sure she was 6ft then.. Let alone now. One thing that was slightly strange however was how similar we looked... other than the fact she was literally shoulders and a head in height above me.. We both had those god dam awful haircuts that were pretending to be bobs and our parents trying to make us look cute which we didn’t pull off..  We were also both (god love her she will forgive me) on the chub a chub side.. There we were both slightly chubby with these god dam awful haircuts so as you can imagine we bonded. She was also pretty much the most intelligent girl in our class.. I was not.. I found great pleasure in sitting next to her whilst we did our weekly spellings on a Friday.. She was very nice and let me copy and in return I let her be my friend!!! Since the days of me cheating off her, baking in her mothers kitchen (went so wrong with the icing sugar they had to re floor the kitchen and I don’t think Poppy dog was ever the same again), and other such excitements.. Im glad to say she is still is my oldest and most dear friend. However we have slightly gone off her as she is no longer a short bobbed slightly chubby limbs a cimbo girl I believe my family have nicknamed her Bambi... now she’s a beautiful blond should be a model medical student.. i hate people like this.. and she’s nice.. !! seriously not sure why we are friends any more.. apart im taking it up as my task to be her Feeder.

G - G is... special. I first met her at a joint friends house before we started year 7 at our new school.. lets say this was more than a first awkward meeting in the way we barley said a word to each other  and you could see the parents wanting us to be best friends straight away.. however what we didn’t know was that we soon would be.. I have had some Fantastic times with G many of which I cant ever repeat... Ski holidays were some of our favourite awkward places including her falling off a chair lift .. sounds horrible but was hilarious.. watching it almost in slow motion as she tries to sit on the seat that someone else was already sat on and finds her self face planting the snow in a o so elegant Bridget Jones style.. I also found on the ski trips Gs love for Sherbet Lemon sweets mixed with cointreau. Apparently it helps the hangovers.. We have also had one or two misadventures on road trips.. normally these road trips were also meant to take a maximum of half an hour... normally around 4 hours later we would reach our destination.. many road trips have often contained things such as .. illegal wee stops, counting our way around roundabouts to make sure we get the right turning, crashes, police and firemen at the crashes, ect ect.. We also share a big love of Disney films, bacon sandwiches and cups of tea when we’re hangover.

R - R I have many a name for her in my nickname collection one of my favourites being Flannel... Me and R both found our selves a few years go with a spare few weeks of nothing to-do.. so what did we do.. packed out rucksacks and headed for Greece.. Hello sun... I had possibly some of the funniest weeks of my life on those beaches with her.. with some of the most ridicules antics possible.. including finding some amazing new best friends such as 89 yr old man either wearing NO swimming costume or a thong.. and lets just say.. a Prince Albert is something I NEVER want to see again.. we also had our own fun time of a new Come Dine With Me type programme as we sat at beach bars sipping our horribly expensive cocktails that were purely vodka whilst people had sex on the sun lounges in front of us.. the first night was horribly embarrassing and we just looked at each other giggled.. by the 4th night and a few vodkas in we were giving scores.. best out of 10.. was the underwear good enough? Technique? all was taken in to consideration. However one of the best nights/worse was meeting the Ausys.. although we did get free in to the club and into the VIP section and free drink all night.. but we don’t need speak any more about them. Other little adventures included.. almost getting 4 men arrested, trying to steal a moped, having a stalker, living in dog kennels, finding a gay Greek man who wanted us as house guests, and many more..

J - J is my Wife.. she claims to be other peoples Wives but really shes mine and only mine.. i just lend her out sometimes.. Its bit like being in an open relationship really... J is amazing.. and knows all my worst points and good points.. worst being the I cry at anything, I can't make a decision, and I cant say No.. my best parts im bloody cool to be around ... She has helped me through some pretty horrible times over the last few years and I know I wouldn’t of coped as well with out her especially over the time C was in Afghanistan when I practically lived on her Sofa and after we broke up. She’s also very useful in the fact she likes the odd gin and lunch at a pub.. 2 things we most certainly share in common.. she is also fantastic at saying No and making me make decisions /making them for me which is what I need from time to time.. i.e. the WIFE...

T - T I haven’t seen in a long old time because is off gallivanting the 7 seas which means im horribly jealous of her and when she does decided to come home I wont be speaking to her until she has no tan.. so really I will speak to her again some time next year.... I have none T since we were 15 and worked out we both shared a bit of a fondness in alcohol (and boys) .  We were also both being served when we most certainly shouldn’t have been.. although I loved how every summer and Christmas we would spend every night saying... Yup we will bring our driving license tomorrow night.. for 3 years running..!!! we were pretty spectacular. We have had some pretty rocky times including boys, girls, boats, you name it we will most certainly have experienced something to do with it.. I believe we were nicknamed The Terrible Two...however something tells me we wont have changed much now were in our 20's.

V- what on earth can I say about this one.. lets start with our nicknames first... Fanamatran and Banjango.. yes they are names of Vaginas.. The night we cam up with them we had a fun game of what else can you call a VJJ.. this has subsequently  become a good drinking game when on board sailing boats.. however don’t let the lovely man that is B play as he comes up with ones such as Fish market.. this is not pleasant and he was banned from the game..... me and V have technically known each other for about 7 years however it has only been in the last 2 we have become friends this was mainly after a night of a lot of vodka and one very warm can of diet coke ... and after cornering her in the bathroom, deciding we had to become best friends there and then we have been inseparable ever since... We are also terrible together.. which I like to think makes us amazing.. the amount of problems we cause when we are together is unreal….. im surprised we haven’t been kicked out of Portscatho by now.. or that we have been chased up the hill with pitch forks. We are also in about a weeks time are going on holiday together to Portugal.. the fact that anyone’s letting us go alone to a foreign country with out adult supervision is beyond me so it should be interesting.. we will either come back A) with no money, or luggage as would have been robbed but some nice chap we had just met on the beach, B) Married to some Portuguese man who might want a green card and we are just helping them out.. or C) We wont return.

Anyway these are my girls.. I have many more who I love to death but these 5 have got a rather special place in my heart.. and all have made me laugh to such extremes I couldn’t breath.... So actually if im ever found dead looking like ive been laughing.. hunt these 5 down and you'll find the murderer.

Happy Birthday

This is a post for my sisters boyfriend for his birthday.. little bit of a weird present I know.. However for some very weird reason when ever we are together I always seem to make a utter fool of myself by either doing or saying something particularly ridiculous or embarrassing.. so as his present i thought i would share a few of these moments we have had together.. He's also one of the reasons I started a blog as he thought the world should know what its like to be me.. the world as it is by Tilly.

My embarrassing moments with G..

> Walking into my sisters and Gs sitting room where he was watching come dine with me and I shouted.. "o a bit come.. " Horribly awkward for everyone... especially when my sister shouted through and asked why we both laughing.

> Getting horribly drunk in the sloney pony and declaring to the pub that G and I looked like we were on a date and then pretend we were... never have I seen a more horrified man nor one who was so grateful when his real girlfriend turned up

> His favourite quote by me .. QI " how can you tell a lion and a tiger from each other if you shave them "
                                              Me " That’s simple"
                                              Boy " Come on then ... How?"
                                              Me " Well ones a boy and ones a girl... like Simba and Narla of the Lion king"

> G is very Scottish and apparently me asking if there national anthem was sung by The Proclaimers..wasnt the best idea..

> When on a family holiday to the lake district and playing the game Articulate when in the end we stopped playing and I was just describing everything.. Including one such as the answer was.. "Nirvana" and I described the answer as “a town in America”

> One day G putting on a jacket and turning to me and saying.. "Gosh you could really flash someone in this" my response.. “yes very full frontal... " again another super awkward moment in both our lives

> Whilst spending the weekend with them both in London and my round at the bar.. I got asked to order 2 Rum and Cokes, 1 Gin and Slim Line and a Vodka Soda and Lime..  apparently im not very good at ordering drinks when drunk.. so I cam back to the table with 2 Gin and Tonics and 2 Whiskey and Cokes.. this would have been fine if the whiskey wasn’t Bells..

> The same night being very loud as per usual and then turning to G very discreetly at around 11pm and saying " could you just get me some water"(in possibly my poshest voice) turning back to the table and caring on with what I thought was a very funny story..

> My singing and driving combo ... neither of which im very good at .. putting them together only makes things worse

In all I like to think that G just thinks I am terribly funny and everything I do or say I infact mean and its not me just being horribly awkward and shouting things out before my brain has connected with my mouth... sadly this isn’t true.

Anyway.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to G. Hope this makes you chuckle in places. Im sure you can think of 100s of other slightly embarrassing things I have done, that I have accidently forgotten about.

The Week

Morning  all.. Been thinking I have been a little lax on the whole blogging this week so I thought I would give you a quick sum up of what’s happened since Friday.. Now don't get your hopes up sadly there is little to nothing of excitement in less you count having a teary moment over The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe..

Friday

> Had a very damp bbq with a good lot of friends... Drank far too much wine/vodka before the food was cooked... always a great starter for 10.

> Had a slight teary moment due to the slightly over dose on said Vodka and wine.. but its all fine.. I only embarrassed myself.. ALOT.

> Don't remember people leaving and woke at 6:30am on the sofa with ALL the lights on and the biggest crick in my neck... o and one hell of a hangover.

> Got into bed.. Didn’t shut the blinds and a chorus of stupid birds started singing.. (at this moment I truly understood the episode in friends when Phoebe moves in with the policeman and he shoots a bird.. I needed that man)

> Saturday consisted of sitting on the sofa and drinking a lot of fluids

> Saturday night.. still alone.. hadn’t actually seen another human being in about 24 hours.. watched the first episode of Camelot.. a little racy might I add for a Channel 4 number.. Warning.. do not watch with parents/grandparents or anyone you might get embarrassed with while watching pretty graphic sex scenes.

> Sunday tided the house before rentals got home

> Watched The Lion, The Witch and The wardrobe... got a little teary.. not something i should be proud of.. but it really is very emotional...

> Monday - work and the gym... really thought I was going to die whilst we did 6 lengths of the gym doing power lunges....slightly twinged a muscle in my inner thigh... A lot of sympathy was needed. Plus maybe a fireman to lift me up and down the stairs.

> Coming out of the gym I found 3 txt messages.. all from Ex boyfriends.. This was interesting.. 2 of them I speak almost regularly to and 1 I haven’t heard from in 6 years or so .. so this is a good thing.

> Tuesday - Work and was meant to start packing for leaving home.. however a glass of wine with the neighbours and then with my friend S and a gossip was slightly more exciting.. then did a little catch up of Glee and Made in Chelsea.. both amazing.


> Wednesday - Work and the gym again.. this time body pump... apparently I have little to no upper body strength... Brilliant. I might become a fan of my bingo wings after all...!

 > Wednesday night... A good thing happened.. I got over a slight infatuation I had.. All gone.. This is a horribly good thing as would have got me into ALOT of trouble otherwise. So thumbs up to that.

And here we are at Thursday.... Tonight its all about a little bit of girls night... always a good night and normally involves more than 1 bottle of wine... Sorry this is a little on the boring side today.. Hopefully I will soon think of some very witty stories that will make some of you chuckle out loud soon.

Dating Rule No 3

Welcome back to the dating rules... now where had we go to .. Arr Dating Rule Number 3... now this one is another one I will fail miserably at Again...So far not doing very well with these Rules.

“Never get drunk on a date or be rude. It is not acceptable behaviour and will put your date off for sure and they will lose any respect they had for you. Manners and courtesy are everything and will help lead to a successful date.”

Now I like to think that I could probably handle the whole manners and courtesy number.. Table manners where a big thing in my house when we were little so hopefully I can now work a knife and fork without looking like some troll that has come out of the dark ages.. Then again.. I am a little bit of a butter fingers.. it would be the one time that I drop my knife, bend down to pick it up, fall of my chair, take the table cloth with me and end up with everything on the floor.. again at this point we would stand up, rake our fingers through our hair, pick up the handbag, nod in the direction of the man you are on a date with and leave.. once out side take of the shoes and run home!!

However the main problem I would find with Rule 3 other than the trying to not make my date lose all respect for me is the never get drunk.. Now im not an alcoholic.. even though im sure some people probably think I am ..(I was once told that your not a alcoholic till you put vodka on your cereal however the person who told me this never drinks vodka only red wine so by this I believe there saying if they put red wine on there cereal there still not technically a alcoholic)

When I get nervous as im sure a lot of you do also.. if there is a glass of wine in front of me.. its gone.. and normally pretty quickly... and also im a cheap date.. by this I don't mean you can buy a bottle of  lambrini and take me to Maccy ds on a date.. I mean more on the fact that after 2 glasses of wine im the girl standing on the table top doing some what I believe at the time to be pretty amazing dancing.. !! sadly its probably just me rocking back and forth and shaking my bum to the music and most likely not in time or worse still pulling out the lawn mower move....

However the second dilemma to this is what if you don’t have drink.. What if your date is drinking and your not.. Often this wouldn’t put the other person at ease.. it wouldn’t make me feel better if I was sat there with a lovely glass of white and him sat there with a coke a cola.. No no no I would find this very weird and then again down the glass I have in front of me and we are back to square one with the dancing on the table tops!! (message to my dearest who’s nickname we came up with as Flannel ,long story involving boys, ... Never do we speak of the times in Greece... )

Also ive found I’m much more fun/approachable when ive had a little glass of something.. it also calms my nerves.. However as I have found on more than one occasions it can go one way.. or the other way.. The other way involving horrible crying and general embarrassment on all accounts. So this is a very tricky rule.. To drink but not get drunk which is always a challenge when your a girl who gets drunk after a glass of wine.. or not to drink and be very boring and those lies your meant to tell such as dating rule 1 tells us that if your boring you have to lie about yourself to make your self seem more interesting you wont be able to think of any thing good.. and ones you can will be just as boring as your boring self... however if u have a little something inside of you.. who knows what fun you could tell the other person.. also after 1 or 2 I find the words come a lot easier.. although could be tricky once you get into the .. "and then I went in to outer space and met the chimps... this is why I can speak fluent chimp".. Could be a little awkward.

Lonely Hearts X 4

Hello and welcome to the weekly up-date from the lonely hearts ads from the Express and Echo.. Now I know its a day late but there we go.  This week we are going to be looking at something a little different.. Instead of the boys or the boys looking for boys.. we are going to be looking at The Girls...

Girls of Exeter and surrounding towns WHAT HAS GOT INTO YOU... most of the ads in this weeks section need to be in the "personal" ads with people such as Nisha who can do house calls... !!

Anyway I have to say with someone of them I like there style.. Lets hear a few so you know what I’m talking about …. So we have  :-

"Lucy, 18, Pretty with long dark hair, great figure, many likes, few dislikes, discreet, seeks male for casual adult fun meets only 30-65"

... Interesting.. Now Lucy if u really do look like this and you really are looking for a man between 30-65 then I suggest you hit Rococo’s Night Club on a Wednesday night.. and search in all the dark corners that’s where they used to hang out anyway.. is it bad I am secretly hoping this is a April Fools just a few months to late..!!

There is another one that describes her self as "Thoughtful but jealous/controlling, can be opinionated/judgemental,"

Now im all for actually telling the truth in these things unlike people who put... likes a social drink which normally means alcoholic, or curvaceous and bubbly... Probably means little on the chubby side, but I have a feeling this is just a smidgen to truthful. im not sure how many men will look at that and think hey... I want to meet that controlling jealous women she’s the girl for me.. However if anyone is reading this and thinks they might like a girl like that HELLO... yes its sad to say I do have some slight bunny boiler tendencies but I try and keep them under wrapped until at least the 3rd date when I turn up with a pretend engagement ring on my finger and in a wedding dress ... Joking.. ish

There is another in here who says she seeks “any age/looks/status,” Now yes boy’s im sure this probably is the girl of your dreams.. a girl who will go for any kind of man… However if she really is going for a man of any age, looks and status surely she can pick one up from any seedy nightclub/pub/hovel.. Which makes me thing.. will she go for anything because she might not be the best looking herself.. now don’t get me wrong im not the prettiest girl on the block or even in my house.. but I still probably wouldn’t think I would/could go for anyone.. Imagine trying to kiss a married, 65 year old man who looks like a cross between a turnip and your grandfather!!!! Oooo NO NO NO..

Anyway hope this has kept you amused for 5 minutes..

P.S  - Going to try and hatch on a dating website this weekend…!!!

Me

This is just a few things about Me .. Most of you who read this .. if anyone actually does will already know most of these bits about me but for those that don’t.. its a little inside.

> My real name is Matilda Rose Knowles

> I often get called Sue on the phone by customers at work - not sure how Tilly sounds like Sue but now i am Sue to certain customers.. they get confused other wise and ask for Sue when there already talking to me.

> Bridget Jones is my ultimate idol.. Sad but true

> I love Chesney Hawkes (and yes I am a member of his fan club)

> I have more 80/90s music on my ipod than any other

> I never sleep naked.. infact being naked is something I really don’t like

> I have only ever had 1 massage in my life and it was the most traumatic experience Ever.. however it was down a seedy backstreet in India where the shop was made of cardboard

> I once felt asleep in a French Lesson and pretended I had Fainted .. I got to go home early

> Every night I sleep with a stuffed cuddly toy monkey that belonged to my Ex.. this is weird

>  I always fancy people who are either A out of my league and B unobtainable

> It took me 5 attempts to pass my driving test - however i do consider myself a good driver.. others might not think so

> I have a weird bump on my left leg where i fell out the shower when i was 10 on Halloween.. its still there.

> I once worked in a bank yet I have never and will never be able to count.. it was Northern Rock.. you would of thought they already had enough problems

> I am very dyslexic however i enjoy this as it gives me an excuse for my daft comments

> I horribly embarrasses myself in front of my sisters boyfriend all the time.. i once walking in to there sitting room while he was watching Come Dine With me and i just went... "ooo bit of come".. this was very awkward for both of us.

> I hate awkward silences and often make them worse by saying something stupid/doing something stupid

> Me and a Best of mine have given ourselves nicknames of "Fanamatran" and "Banjango".. (yes they are names of Vaginas)

> I have a wife

> I shorten every word i physically can (see above point regarding Come Dine With Me) Words i shorten are things like.. Totes, Comf, Amaz, Abso, ect

> i use the word "Like" far to often

> i am very loud a lot of the time and my family have now come up with the saying.. "Volume control" and then twist a pretend volume button.

> I have many weird fears including Seaweed and The dark.. They will both kill you

> I never sleep on my side as i have to be able to see both windows in my bedroom to either side and the door incase someone tries to kill me

> I cant watch scary films and am scared of films such as scary movie 1,2,3,and 4

> My ambition in life is to be a stay at home mum and bake (which I can't do but im sure i will be magnificent when im 30)

> I would have given up my dream for a certain someone and offered that to him but it still wasn’t enough

> I love Vodka

> I could drink wine every night

> I'm 100% addicted to Chilli

> Someone once told me I was like marmite and you either love me or hate me.. not sure if this is a good or bad thing

> I owe a lot to my brother and sister over the last few months

> I often use the word "OP" even though it has no meaning

> I have a 4 year old tortoise that goes by the name of Rocket.. my parents brought him for my 21st and there reason was because " he will out live me"

This is just a few things about me... maybe you learnt something new..

Watch out for later today its Lonely Hearts day in the Express and Echo .. Mr Wright could be just a page turn away.

The Gym

The gym... this is something I would never and had never been a massive fan of. However in less I felt like becoming one of those girls in Closer magazine that are 45 stone and sell photos of them selves gorging on food and only ambition is to be 80 stone I  thought it should be something I took up..

I go to a lovely little gym near me where my brother and his girlfriend also go. this is super useful as instead of me just having a card that lets me into the gym i actually have to go because they make me... well almost.. it isn’t a unusual thing for my brothers girlfriend to txt me one afternoon.. gym? and then another saying.. oo no I have too  much work.. or me doing the same to her.. and neither of us can go alone.. no that would be terribly bad form..

The good thing about our gym is there aren’t a lot of beautiful people.. now don’t get me wrong its not a gym just for the ugly people of the Exeter area.. not at all.. but its also not full of girls who have white blonde hair, size 8 and possibly appeared in a MTV music video at least once in there life... probably using some kind of power drill.. whilst wearing some pretend leotard which has less material than one of my bikinis and only seem to sweat Johnson’s baby oil!! Thank god… especially as im there in my super beautiful little outfit sweating like a pregnant nun going to church on a Sunday..

However … recently since I have had a little bit more time on my hands being single I seem to have taken up quite a lot of socialising.. Infact so much so I never knew how boring I really have been for the last 4 years.. Its not surprising to find me in the local pub with a few friends chilling out with a bottle of wine.. Especially on Girls night.. However this is not going to help the fact I have to be in a itsy witsy polka dot bikini in roughly 3 weeks.. So yesterday after roughly a month and half I went to the gym..

The first thing that made me realise that I hadn’t been for a while was when I phoned up to book myself and JM (brothers girlfriend) into a class the response down the phone was.. “omg Tilly.. where have you been!!!” brilliant.. always how you want to start the gym session off when your instructor yells at you.. Infact once I got into the class she actually hugged me..!! Obviously she missed the slightly sweaty red faced girl in the back last month or so.  However she did not ease me into the class as one would have hoped.. OOOO no… there was Lunges.. which have never been my strong spot, Squats, a little bit of almost crying from me, followed by laughter because I actually couldn’t do anything and looking at JM just made me laugh in her heavy thick trousers that she had by this point rolled up to her knees..

I think the point came when I new I may have slightly over done it when trying to get down the stairs at home.. I got home successfully, I got up the 3 flights of stairs to my bedroom, I got in the shower, I got in to clean clothes and then something happened.. my legs would NOT work.. one step at time on the way down. This was attractive!!! Still slightly red faced.. now I have 3 weeks to get my self in to a bikini that that wont make the whole of Portugal feel like they might have just had a visit from a hump back whale.. GAME ON.

A little extreme

Hello all

Did everyone have a good weekend? I do hope so. Mine was as you can only imagine Eventful as always!! Somehow I managed to end in Timepiece (our local seedy nightclub often know as cheesy piece to those that don’t know Exeter) two nights in a row a little extreme one would think as i haven’t been to timepiece in about 3 years but this weekend I just out did myself.

Friday night we went for a casual few drinks in TP (timepiece) as it was a friends birthday and we went to go and watch a local band play.. The band were really rather good however I did feel a little odd as I fancied most of them and I think the average age of the band was about 12.. well maybe a slight exaggeration there as they were playing in a nightclub so we will go for 18.. Saw lots of people which was lovely but some how a quiet drink turned in to 2 bottles of wine, a lot of vodka and a Corona.. not sure ive ever had one before but it seemed like a great idea at the time… Although I fear I am starting to get old now.. 2 nights out on the trot till 3am and I was not on particularly good form on Sunday. Once I managed to locate a taxi on Friday night I set off home .. however at 3am I was mainly just wanting to sleep in the back of the taxi but o no I had possibly the most talkative taxi man EVER.. and in the 10 minutes it took to get home I new his life story also that it was his first night shift ever… brilliant. However he did only charge me £9.00 which was a total bargain as normally its about £15 or more.. I think he may have got something slightly wrong but who am I to complain.

Saturday I was up bright and early as getting my hair re coloured.. I have returned to the blondness.. I was very excited until I actually got out of bed and discovered my legs didn’t want to go in the same direction as the rest of me. After downing a few pints of water and eating a ham sandwich.. (a weird thing for breakfast I know but it seemed right some how) I set off for the hairdressers.

Never before have I not wanted to be a hairdressers… at one point almost falling asleep even though Heart FM was playing loudly, thousands of people speaking and hair dryers blasting away. Anyway 3 hours later and I was Blonde.. however slightly pale in the facial features due to the hangover.

Once home I took myself to bed for a few hours recuperation when I got a phone call from a girlfriend wanting me to go meet her, her boyfriend, a friend and my brother for a quick drink at 6. So off I trundled.. however this wasn’t just one drink ooo no.. somehow we ended up at a very nice but very random mans house for a bbq.. not sure how this came about. Anyway me and G (girlfriend) managed to make out way pretty steadily through a bottle of vodka.. at 11pm however I got a message from a friend who was bored and suggested the idea of Timepiece.. of cause at this point I thought it was possibly the most fantastic idea anyone on the human planet might have had. However I didn’t take in to consideration the outfit I was wearing, the flip flops on my feet, Chipped nail varnish and a handbag the size of Mary Poppins.. God knows how I was even aloud in a nightclub. However I did have lovely hair!!!

Fantastic night had by all I felt dancing, drinking, chatting, making new friends, forgetting new friends names, kissing a lovely gay man.. shame really however making him my new best friend for the evening, seeing school friends, and genually having a rather splendid night.. ooo and the best part.. Timepiece burgers.. Now if you have not sampled one of these yet it’s a must do!! Or it could be that they are vile but at 3am anything tastes amazing.

Sunday was a bit of a right off by all accounts… but still nice to chill out.

Take care all and watch out for Dating Rule No 3..

Lonely Hearts X 3

I didn't want anyone thinking that even though we may have already died a death on my first pretend date that I would have forgotten the rest of us lonely hearts.. Today is Thursday which means Two things.. A the properties pages are out and if anyone wants a house the only way is Redferns.. (a little bit of free advertising never hurts) and also its LONLEY HEARTS day.. Brilliant

So to today’s favourite lonely heart ...

"Male, 48, Seeks discreet female for daytime fun. Torbay/Newton Abbot"

Short and sweet... the only things I find a little peculiar with today’s advert is two things.. 1.. Seeks discreet female.. I often think this means the man is either A married and doesn’t want the old ball and chain to find out or B he's told everyone he knows he's gay but really isn’t.. its surprising how many times both are true.. the 2nd thing that’s odd is the "Daytime fun." which doesn’t really fit with number 1s theory... why would you want a discreet person but only in the daytime.. surely you would want discreet fun in the night time.. I never realised how deep some of these ads really are.. Also its much easier to get caught out in the daytime because well.. Its daytime..

Anyway make what you will with this little lonely heart.. although its not that surprising he’s lonely if he only wants someone for the day time.. !! he’s missing out on a whole 12 hours of fun time..

Just a little Awkward...

So... just a little awkward.. or is it! Again possible im just reading a little bit to much into things.. gosh when has any one known me to do that...

Anyway this evening I believe I was meant to be meeting a friend from school who was a few years above me.. anyway we have recently started speaking again bearing in mind when we really last saw each other I was  probably in my rather attractive school uniform in year 9.. and before anyone starts thinking of a Britney Spears esk School girl attire it was a long.. (to my ankles if I remember) pleated blue skirt, blue and white stripy shirt and a Cherry Red blazer.. yes I looked good.. Anyway back to the story. We decided we should re meet for a drink and have a good old catch up .. we left it a while ago that he would "give me a call and we shall sort something out for Thursday" now .. today is Thursday.. and still yet to hear anything.. just a little awkward.. Do I txt him?  but then that takes us back to Dating Rule No 1 .. but then is it date? or just friends catching up.. you see my dilemma here..

Which gets me to thinking.. What if they don’t call.. this is something that I totally forgot happens when your "back in the dating game" .. What do you do if you go out on a date.. You have all your rules.. you lie about your none exciting life because no one wants to date a boring person (remember rule no 2) and then they still don’t call.. Tricky Tricky Tricky... Or is it that they are playing the.. well I wont call her for 3 days and make her sweat game. Which then ends up just being so awkward because knowing me I would have sent a slightly abusive txt message around the second day asking why they hadn’t been in contact and what was wrong with me.. or go in to a total melt down and just cry when they did call... Jesus.. I don't think I should be let out in public let alone on dates.. saying that I am already beating all of this by not even getting the call that would start the mass of bunny boiler tendencies I have.

Thoughts people?? Or Even any advice on what to do when they don’t call.. I’m going to need ALL the help I can get.

Bridget Jones Eat Your Heart Out.. Matilda Knowles Is In Town!!!!!

Dating Rule No 2

Hello all and welcome back to the dating rules.. I know you have all be waiting in anticipation for the second rule so here it is...

"Don't be too available. We don't mean you should play games, but if you're free every night, you're probably not taking care of yourself, pursuing your own interests and spending time with your friends -- which means you're probably not very interesting to talk to. People with full, exciting lives make the best dates."

Well this is a great start I now know that I am probably not even going to be very interesting on my pretend date .. And I don’t understand how it says don’t play games.. surely lying about yourself to make your self more interesting is infact a game.. although I do know where this rule is coming from.. I mean how many people will be interested to know I got home.. found my tortoise that was lost somewhere in the garden.. Watched 2 and half men or friends depending on how I was feeling.. had supper and then went to bed whilst flickering around on Facebook and Twitter.. God im going to have to come up with some exciting nibblets (lies) to keep them entertained.. Lion tamer..!! it has possibilities.. Maybe something more realistic like.. "Why yes just the other day my dearest Lizzie (queen) bbmed me to let me know she sadly couldn’t make our Pimms date" .. or again maybe a little far..

This is something I am slightly terrified off though... the awkward silences.. Now again those of you that know me know im not very good at awkward silences.. Infact im horribly bad at them and it normally gets worse as I then try and brake the awkwardness with something so utterly embarrassing that I should get my handbag and leave .. Straight Away..

Another thing I do other than totally humiliate myself in certain situations such as this I refer to the word that is "OP" now.. this is word that has no meaning and me and my love V thought up this word last summer.. we don’t know what it means, what it stands for or why we use it but it frequently ends all of our sentences... normally we add it in when we say something out loud that really should be kept in the deep dark depths that is our minds. But oo no ... we like to shout them out there. Normally followed by total hysterics from us both and everyone else looking around not really understanding as we stand there bent in double trying to not let our eyeliner run down our faces while we make a hand moment of covering our mouth.. our little way of knowing we have just said something we shouldn’t and we should just "take that back".. Im sure right now if she reads this she can only imagine what sort of a fool I will make of myself in a awkward silence how I will refer to the Op and then laugh to myself.. Brilliant.. how not to scare someone on the first day.

Anyway I hope Rule No 2 helps some of you who actually have first dates coming up... Remember .. only lie about yourself if you are Boring..

Quickly an up-date on the internet dating… still not actually on a site yet.. but I am doing a lot of research into them.. will keep you posted.