Why Now ?

First of all im just going to start with sorry… sadly this isn’t going to be one of those almost  funny little numbers I put up here but more a im feeling horribly sorry for myself/alone so terribly lonely..

I don’t know why and its starting to really bug me why but I cant stop thinking about C.. I thought I was doing so well.. I was getting on with my life.. I’ve been out, I’ve socialised, I’ve kissed a few boys, I’ve been to bingo.. all rather successfully (other than the bingo) without having to much of a problem. Obviously he has invaded my thoughts at some time of another most days but the last 2 days he’s just been sat there like a gremlin.

I have this theory/my friend J from Cornwall said that its possible that because I’ve been ill and a little down and generally feeling sorry for myself my mind has been left to wonder.. Great.

I still have these stupid thoughts that one day he will work out what a mistake he has made and really I am amazing.. sadly I don’t think this is true.. Its all very odd.. things like he never really like to drink or hang out in the local village that has become a second home to me. But now were not together its like he is now the socialite of the village.. maybe it was never that he didn’t want to go to the village or drink.. maybe it was he never wanted to go to the village with me..! I’ve also been thinking recently that he was trying to make out that when we broke up it was all about him.. he didn’t want kids and marriage (who does at 22.. I 100% don’t thanks very  much I would leave it in Tesco’s.. I can barely look after myself and my handbag let alone a child and a expensive bit of jewellery.. if you know me I’m very good at losing expensive bits rather than the cheap tacky stuff I somehow seem to keep for years) anyway.. maybe its not that he doesn’t want them.. its that he doesn’t want them with me!!

I did really try very hard to be ok with everything that our relationship through at me.. I did the 32 weeks training and him not talking and only sleeping when I saw him.. the 7 month tour in Afghanistan, the only wanting to go out with the lads ect.. and sometimes m sure I was a total pain in the arse.. when aren’t girls.. but apparently just wasn’t enough and I’m not sure what else I could of done. I think my biggest problem is I miss my best friend, and the fact he now talks to other people when it used to be me..  still fingers crossed that soon ill be able to walk into a pub and not make a fool out of myself hay..

Anyway .. quick self sorry note for the evening.. hopefully will have dreamt up some funny little morsel for tomorrow..